My goals this year didn’t involve cutting out my addictions. It just happened that way. I’ve given up everything except coffee. I’ve cut back but I’m not going to wean myself off of it completely. I need something to get me going in the morning.

I stopped smoking at the suggestion of my boyfriend – not a demand – just a suggestion. I was getting to that point anyway. I was always a social smoker. I would start, smoke for a couple of years depending on who I was around, quit for a couple of years then rinse and repeat. I think I’ve broken the cycle for good this time.

Drinking, I just gradually cut back. Again, a suggestion from the boyfriend had me reconsider my habits. A drink or two a night to take the edge off was the norm. My ever-loving boyfriend suggested I partake in other methods of stress relief. Alcohol did the job but it’s not the most ideal method for clearing nerves, especially when alcoholism runs in the family.

I always try to keep myself in check with my drinking, trying to be an objective moderator and not let it get out of control. My mom still doesn’t go more than a week without a drink and she can no longer use me as one of her excuses. Every once in a while she tries to stop for longer periods but she keeps going back to her rum or vodka.

Having my daughter when I did, getting pregnant when I did probably saved my life. I was heading down a road I couldn’t handle, living in another state on a military base, working a crazy 12 hour midnight shift. Every morning I would come home to a margarita that was waiting for me in the freezer. At first it was just a couple sips to help me sleep during the day due to my vampiric work hours but it started to build up. By the time I realized I was pregnant I had started to notice how much I was drinking; I was looking at the beginning of a problem. My little girl was enough of a reason to stop drinking. I was no longer the only one I needed to be concerned about.

When I say alcohol runs in my family – let’s run it down… My mom – the ‘I only drink to take the edge off’ person yet has a drink ready by noon on the weekends. My aunt – in her early twenties, kept a bottle of rum by her bed. When she stopped drinking she switched to cigarettes – another addiction that lasted over 25 years. One of my great-uncles and a cousin died from liver problems caused by alcohol. Both of them were barely recognizable at their funerals so I heard – I don’t do funerals. And my favorite great-uncle to this day is never seen without a high ball in his hand – even after turning 80. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always seen that man go straight to the liquor cabinet at my grandma’s house and pour a drink.

I don’t want to end up like that. I’ve always known in the back of my head I wouldn’t let it get that far but the potential is there. Thankfully I have no desire to drink anymore. And even on the rare occasion that I do, the after effects – the fuzzy head feeling the next day isn’t worth it. Change is a good thing.

Tags: addiction, change, family, getting back to me, kids, lessons, relationships, self-love
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It looked like it, felt like it, tasted like it… but something was missing. I knew from the beginning, I knew you wouldn’t be able to provide my missing ingredient just as much as I couldn’t provide yours. We pursued it anyway, dressed it up like the real thing, and pretended it would work out. It did to a point. But it wasn’t true, it wasn’t pure.

I wore the mask you wanted to see; played the role you wanted me to play. I played it flawlessly. But I needed more. And now you want me back. Why? You never even knew me, not the deep to the core me. You only saw a few layers of me, the ones I wanted you to see. I showed you more than others but not the deeper, darker layers of me.

You were the one I could live with. He’s the one I can’t live without. By the time I got up the courage to tell you how I felt, when we were making plans to live together everything changed. He came back into my life; before I even saw him again I knew the answer to my dilemma. You and me, we got along great, the feelings were there, the chemistry was there. But you wouldn’t communicate those feelings when the subject was brought up – even at a critical turning point – by you. I answered and you dodged – giving me the answer I needed. You still weren’t ready, you were still scared.

I didn’t need a commitment – not in the traditional sense. But you weren’t ready to give me what I needed – what he was giving freely, unconditionally, even after a decade apart living separate lives. I realized it was going to take you a very long time to fully open up to me. The irony is that we were able to communicate about anything and everything else. But when the talk moved towards feelings and relationships an uncomfortable silence always showed up, getting in the way.

So I left. And then you opened up, telling me everything I wanted and needed to hear months before. Too late. And you knew this. That’s why you waited so long. You, the one who claimed to know me so well, knew I wouldn’t leave him for you. You played your hand, you played it safe. And you lost… a lot. His gain. You knew the odds of me doing a 180, saying it was you I couldn’t live without, were slim to none. There was no risk involved in telling me how you felt after I left. If you would have opened up a year ago things might be different. But we both know that wouldn’t have happened – even knowing what you know now. You aren’t willing to step out of your comfort zone. You called it in the beginning – you couldn’t give me what I needed – and I would eventually go back to him.

Tags: change, lessons, love triangle, old love, relationship issues, relationships
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• Writing – too many story lines got caught in head, I had no choice but to start writing again. When the head gets crowded I have to write in order to clear out some space.
• Reflecting – too many little situations keep turning into major drama. It’s mostly family issues that I want no part of but it’s family so I’m stuck with them. <shrugs>
• Creating – putting the finishing touches on one of my babies – hopefully I’ll be ready to go live soon. At this point it’s more about me being ready than the site.
• Planning – now that one of my babies is almost done the wheels are spinning with new ideas. It’s time for redesigns and a move in new directions.
• Studying – trying to finish my summer class (one more week to go) and mentally prepare myself for fall semester which starts in a couple of weeks – a full course load <rolls eyes>
• Managing – getting a better grip on my time management skills. My schedule is only going to get more hectic for the rest of the year with school, the kids and all of the other demands on my time. I’m cutting back on socializing (ahem twitter) so I can get stuff done. I’ve found I work better when I focus on one thing at a time. (Multitasking, it was fun while it lasted but it’s over! kthxbai)

So what’s coming up? I have a new site going live soon, I’m working on another site and then redesigning this one and Essence Grooves. I already have about three or four podcast ideas lined up for Essence Grooves (I just have to be still long enough to put them together). And there’s still school, the kids, writing and the long list of things I want to do. <sigh> It’s August already, where did the year go?

Tags: change, creativity, drama, dreams, family, focus, kids, reflecting, school, writing
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I don’t write because I’m scared – scared it might be good, scared somebody will like it and expect more. I end up worrying about what will happen three to four steps down the line and not taking care of what needs to be done now. And I keep telling mini-me to stop doing the same thing. I’m not lost on the irony – at all.

Am I not giving myself the credit I deserve? Am I too hard on myself? I beat up on myself too much. I focus on down the line forgetting that I have to take action now to shape what happens in the future. Interesting. My seeds are planted but I’m not giving them the water and sunlight they need to grow into beautiful flowers. My fear of what could happen and of the changes that may occur is holding me back – instead of just going forward knowing I can change directions at any point. I know this stuff yet I keep forgetting it.

I need to stop being so preoccupied with the end result and just take the steps needed to get there. Just take it one step at a time. It doesn’t matter which steps I take as long as I start moving. I still have to do the work. There isn’t a magic wand to do it all for me.

One of the gazillion reasons why I love my man is because he is so resourceful. If plan A doesn’t go right then he pulls out plan B and then plan C if needed. He doesn’t let setbacks keep him down, he just keeps on moving, focused until he reaches his goals. I have my own goals and things I want to accomplish but fear keeps sneaking up and wacking me upside the head. If it was something that didn’t mean much to me it would be so much easier. The amount of fear associated with these goals and the amount of stepping out of my own self-imposed box I have to do shows that it’s worth my while to quit bs’ing and just do it. There aren’t any physical barriers to what I want to accomplish, it’s all within my reach. I’m the one holding myself back.

It’s not the first time I’ve realized this. Every time I come back to this point I make a few more steps, but as I keep progressing fear pops up all over again with something new. Life is too short to keep going back and forth with this cycle. There are too many things that I want in my life to not give it my all.

If I stumble and fall I have to remember to dust the dirt off and keep going.

Tags: creativity, dreams, fears, goals, writing
Posted in Reflections | 2 Comments »